What Went Wrong?

Realizing I was happy had pulled me out of the experience. Instead of being fully engaged with my family, I became a spectator, analyzing how I felt in comparison to the past. This focus on happiness turned me inward, making me more of an observer rather than a participant.

I began questioning why the spell had been broken. My children were joyfully sharing their creations, narrating stories as they played. Clearly, they were not the source of the problem.

Could it be an external factor? Was the room too hot, too loud, or perhaps too quiet for a house filled with little ones? Adjusting the thermostat or playing some music probably wouldn’t change anything.

Maybe the activity itself was too juvenile for a man my age. But I found the challenge of helping them create a complex figure-eight track with side branches exhilarating. I was fully engaged, so it wasn’t boredom that hindered me.

What lingered was a nagging feeling that I should be doing something more significant than playing with toy trains. As an adult and a surgeon with important responsibilities, I felt guilty for spending time on what seemed like trivial pursuits.

The True Barrier to Happiness

Ultimately, my ego had taken the reins, blocking my path to happiness. But why would my ego want to keep me from joy?

When I was lost in play, I was free from self-reflection. My identity blurred with that of my children as we shared laughter and creativity. That connection was blissful!

However, my ego had a significant issue with this. The ego is closely tied to the self, and when the self fades during moments of joy, the ego feels threatened. This sensation is akin to death for the ego, prompting it to fight back, fearing for its very survival.

True happiness is found in losing oneself within an activity or in bonding with others. It thrives in the absence of the ego.

The more I tried to recapture that happiness, the more elusive it became. I felt let down by the loss of a delightful experience with my children. I attempted to propose building a more intricate track, but they were content with what we had created. I even tried to engage them in a shared story, yet each child remained lost in their own imaginative world.

This disconnect was precisely what my ego craved. It wanted me to focus on myself, and that’s exactly what I did, with disastrous results.

Turning Frustration into Anger

I felt a deep disappointment that I was unable to relish this precious time with my children. As my frustration mounted, I transformed that disappointment into anger—a familiar emotion that many men resort to.

I became angry at myself for losing happiness, but I quickly redirected that anger toward others. I blamed my work for occupying my mind and preventing me from relaxing. Soon, I turned my ire toward my wife for leaving me with the kids while she pursued her own interests. Finally, I found fault with my children.

I began to search for reasons why they were ruining my happiness, and whether real or imagined, I found justifications. Before long, I was snapping at them for dismantling our creation, not sharing enough, and generally not meeting my expectations. My unhappiness became their unhappiness.

The Ego's Delight in Unhappiness

In this chaotic scene, my ego was reveling while my children and I were in conflict. It whispered thoughts like, “You shouldn’t have to tolerate this,” “You’re too important for this,” and the classic, “No one respects you.”

In this moment, everyone felt unhappy except for my ego, which thrived on the discord. I had allowed it to sabotage what should have been a joyful afternoon filled with love and laughter.

At that time in my life, I was heavily egocentric, which is why that sunny afternoon stands out in my memory. I was entrenched in self-focus, leading me further from happiness.

I indulged my ego's grievances, spending time lamenting how unfair life was and how others failed to meet my expectations. I kept a mental ledger of my work hours versus what I perceived to be the lack of reciprocity from others. In short, I actively sought out reasons to feel unhappy—and I found plenty.

The Ego's Need for Unhappiness

The ego flourishes on unhappiness; it keeps us fixated on ourselves and our grievances. Instead of enjoying the present moment, we become preoccupied with finding justifications for our discontent.

Happiness weakens the ego, while unhappiness acts like a power-up for it. This leads the ego to seek out reasons for discontent. By ruminating on perceived injustices, we lock ourselves in a mental prison, separated from the joy that resides in our hearts.

By allowing ourselves to dwell on grievances, we remain unhappy. This is precisely what the ego desires because it feeds off our complaints, making it stronger. However, this isn't what we truly want; we yearn for happiness, which requires quieting the ego.

Strategies for Finding Happiness

Some may suggest that to achieve happiness, one must eliminate the ego. However, this perspective is overly simplistic. The ego serves a purpose; it motivates us to pursue goals and engage in new challenges. Without a certain level of self-belief, we may shy away from trying new things.

The goal is not to silence the ego but to quiet it down. You should listen to your ego, but also pay attention to the other voices within you—those of your heart and your life experiences.

How can this be accomplished?

Challenging the Usual Advice

A quick online search will yield the typical suggestions: journaling, gratitude practices, meditation, yoga, and various self-help methods. While these can be effective, they need to be applied thoughtfully to yield meaningful results.

What you truly need is awareness—specifically, the ability to recognize when your ego is hijacking your joy. Start by identifying the moment you feel pulled away from happiness and pinpoint the trigger that caused it.

Next, investigate the narrative your ego is spinning. Is it suggesting that others don’t respect you? That you’re not getting your way? That life is perpetually unfair?

Accept whatever story your ego tells you without judgment. Recognize your feelings without labeling them as right or wrong. Judgment is the domain of the ego, which relishes in distinguishing good from bad. Don’t allow it to lead you down this path. Instead, acknowledge the feeling without resistance.

Through this acceptance, you’ll gain insight into how your ego manipulates your thoughts, steering you away from happiness. While this awareness alone may not restore your joy, it will equip you to confront future ego-driven challenges more effectively.

Reflecting Back

It has been over a decade since that sunlit afternoon with my children playing with Thomas. Now, they are off to university, and I often find myself longing for the joy and energy they once brought into our home.

Throughout the years, I’ve learned to better counter my ego's attacks on my happiness. These challenges persist, and while I haven’t vanquished my ego, I’ve created mental space to choose whether to heed its voice or to seek guidance from other perspectives.

Quieting Your Ego

You won’t eradicate your ego; it will always resurface. However, that doesn’t mean you must succumb to its negative influence.

When you cultivate a mental environment that accommodates diverse voices beyond your ego's, you can resist its attempts to drag you down. Instead, you will find yourself empowered to recognize your ego’s maneuvers, accept your feelings without judgment, and respond in a more constructive manner. The more you practice this, the more adept you’ll become at facing the inevitable tests of your ego.

Happiness is Innate

Happiness is an inherent aspect of who you are. You deserve to experience joy. However, achieving happiness requires surrendering to something greater than yourself in the moment, which can be daunting for your ego.

Your ego thrives on unhappiness because it needs you to focus on yourself to maintain a sense of discontent. This is why egotistic individuals often find themselves unhappy, as their unhappiness feeds their egocentrism.

Conclusion

To find happiness, focus on quieting your ego. You don’t need to eliminate it; instead, learn to listen to other voices within your mind, heart, and life. This practice will help you become aware of the times your ego asserts itself, accept its narratives without identifying with them, and ultimately understand what triggers your egoic responses.

With this knowledge, you can create space to choose between succumbing to your ego’s negativity or pursuing a more uplifting path.

In this video, "How to Overcome Self-Sabotage and Learn to Love Yourself," you'll discover techniques to break free from self-defeating behaviors and embrace self-love.

The second video, "WHY AM I SCARED OF HAPPINESS? Inner Child Work for Happiness Anxiety," delves into understanding the fears surrounding happiness and how to work through them.