Chapter 1: A Childhood Dream

As a child, I imagined myself without legs, instead possessing a shimmering fish tail adorned with brilliant blue scales that sparkled in the sunlight. I envisioned myself breathing through notches in my neck, allowing me to dive into the calming embrace of the ocean. Beach outings with my family often saw me splashing joyfully in the waves, while visits to the aquarium ended in tears as they pulled me back from the depths. My connection with water and marine life felt more profound than that with the land and its inhabitants, nurturing my childhood aspiration of becoming a marine biologist.

While many children experience a fascination with the ocean, my interest developed into an obsession. I voraciously consumed every book I could find on the subject, mostly fiction, while my bed overflowed with plush sea creatures. In second grade, I researched the spotted dolphin, and in fourth grade, I passionately advocated for sea turtle conservation. My path seemed clear until, unexpectedly, it shifted.

The transition to middle school marked a turning point. My town's school system consolidated three elementary schools into one middle school and ultimately one high school. This change meant losing many childhood friends, but it also opened doors to new relationships. By sixth grade, I had become a dedicated bookworm. Instead of gossiping about boys and makeup during recess, my friends and I delved into discussions about the Divergent series and made plans to see the latest Hunger Games film. I even scribbled Percy Jackson fanfiction on the back of my math assignments and followed Harry Potter fan art accounts online. A new obsession had taken root.

The freedom of writing captivated me, presenting limitless possibilities where there were no wrong answers. Yet, this sense of liberation began to fade when high school loomed closer. The pressures of reality eclipsed my desire to escape. I felt akin to Icarus, flying toward the sun, believing it would save me, only to find myself scorched.

This turmoil manifested in self-doubt and anxiety; I often wished to shrink away until I vanished. Simple tasks like revising essays and taking tests became overwhelming, leaving me feeling inadequate despite my accomplishments. Interestingly, I discovered a reprieve during chemistry lessons, where the clarity of the periodic table replaced my racing thoughts.

The revelation that atoms, which constitute all matter, are 99% empty space fascinated me. This realization led me to conclude that if everything is composed of atoms, we too are primarily void, which oddly brought me comfort. It helped me see my problems as trivial, granting me the freedom to err and breathe a bit easier.

However, this solace was fleeting. Although panic attacks diminished, it was more due to my indifference than any genuine peace. My desire to exist only resurfaced in the quiet hours of the night, when the darkness enveloped me, and my phone's blue light illuminated my weary eyes. It was during these late-night sessions that I stumbled upon a YouTube channel named "Space Time." Dr. Matt O’Dowd, an Australian astrophysicist, shared engaging twenty-minute videos about the universe, and each equation I absorbed reignited a spark within me. This resurgence of curiosity gradually revived my humanity.

Upon entering college, I felt a newfound steadiness and confidence, walking on my own two feet for the first time in a long while. I was pursuing a double major in astrophysics and chemistry, driven by a passion that emerged during my darkest days, though I was no longer in that mindset. Something felt amiss, yet I ignored it until the summer before my sophomore year, when I researched the molecular makeup of planetary nebulae, remnants of deceased stars.

I immersed myself in computer screens, dedicating eight hours a day to analyzing data and learning coding software, a summer far from what I had envisioned. Each day drained my energy more than the last. Was this truly the path my life would take? Although my research was published in an astrophysics journal, relief, not excitement, was my primary emotion. I realized I needed to change my academic trajectory, but I buried those thoughts deep down, hoping to ignore them.

The subsequent fall semester found me enrolled in chemistry, physics, and math courses for my majors, alongside a creative writing class for my arts requirement. I had thought that my passion for writing had vanished, replaced by a need for precision, but I was mistaken. While my homework comprised math problems and lab reports, my heart yearned to craft poetry. After registering for my spring classes, the thoughts from that summer surged back, overwhelming me. Without consulting my advisor, I dropped all my STEM classes and re-enrolled in English courses. It was the most impulsive decision I had ever made, yet afterward, I felt a tremendous weight lift from my shoulders. In an instant, I transitioned from aspiring scientist to devoted writer, and it felt exhilarating.

I had always been more intrigued by theories than applications. I didn’t want to study dolphins; I wanted to embody one. I didn’t wish to create chemicals; I longed to understand their workings and imagine their potential. I didn't want to memorize equations explaining light's behavior around black holes; I yearned to theorize about the mysteries within those dark voids where nothing escapes.

Even though I might not become a scientist, I still felt connected to that collective. Just the other day, I paused while scrolling through Instagram upon seeing a photo shared by NASA. It featured the breathtaking Pillars of Creation captured by the James Webb Space Telescope. The swirling clouds in shades of burnt umber evoked images of wolves chasing stars on a dark winter night, while white dots twinkled like fireflies, each representing a star billions of miles away. Tears welled in my eyes as I marveled at the scientists’ ability to capture the formation of new stars from gas and dust, igniting an overwhelming urge to write. I wanted to encapsulate my emotions, highlight the wonder that enveloped me, and share it with the world.

Plumes of honey and maroon velvet

cascade through the frothy expanse

of space while newborn stars sparkle

like bioluminescence ascending

from the deep…

Chapter 2: Filling the Gaps

To navigate empty spaces in creativity, it’s essential to explore different approaches.

The first video titled "6 BRILLIANT WAYS TO FILL EMPTY SPACE" provides innovative strategies to enhance your artistic expression by filling voids in your work.

In the second video, "How to fill a big blank space when making art journal pages," you’ll discover techniques to effectively address and fill large blank areas in your art journals.