The Fundamental Belief

What is this crucial belief? It’s not entirely my own idea. I previously discussed related concepts in "How to Actually Stop Caring About What Others Think."

The belief I refer to comes from Ellen Hendriksen, Ph.D., in her book "How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety." I want to share it with you because it’s both simple to remember and remarkably effective, yet easy to overlook.

Let me remind you: your social anxiety is not deceiving you.

It’s not attempting to sabotage you or make you miserable. While it may feel that way, its true intention is to protect you.

But from what? That varies for each individual. Your experience with social anxiety may differ from mine. Thus, what I’m offering is simply a perspective—not a substitute for professional medical or psychological advice.

For me, social anxiety tries to shield me from feelings of embarrassment, rejection, and discomfort.

Does yours do something similar? Does it convince you that:

• If you post something on Medium that isn’t “perfect,” people will judge you?
• Customer service representatives will dislike you if you don’t know exactly what to say?
• When meeting new people, they will quickly realize you’re the most boring individual they’ve encountered?

Yes, my anxious mind thinks those thoughts too. However, it’s important to recognize that these fears are not outright lies; they reflect possible outcomes.

Thanks to Dr. Hendriksen's insights, I’ve learned to remind myself that these are merely possibilities, not certainties.

As she states: “Your anxiety only tells you what’s possible, not what’s probable.”

If you’re thinking that a quote isn’t sufficient to combat your social anxiety, I understand. You’re correct; it isn’t enough.

Regular sessions with a licensed therapist offer invaluable support and can be irreplaceable. However, internalizing this concept is crucial. Often, when feeling anxious, we focus solely on what’s possible and completely overlook what’s actually probable.

This leads to another crucial point: understanding the probability of outcomes is key to quieting your anxiety.

Learning to Challenge Your Anxiety

What’s the secret to silencing your anxiety?

Surprisingly, it involves gathering and analyzing data.

Yes, data. But what kind of data?

As I mentioned, your social anxiety seeks to protect you, but it only considers worst-case scenarios. This protection often prevents you from experiencing neutral or positive outcomes.

To break this cycle, you need to develop the ability to counter your anxiety with facts. Try saying to yourself:

“Hey, I know you’re suggesting that if I [insert action], [insert possible negative outcome] could happen. However, based on my data, the likely outcome is [insert probable positive outcome].”

In essence, your anxiety requires evidence to understand that it might be mistaken. This evidence comes from the data you collect.

How can you gather this data?

By experimenting, gradually expanding your comfort zone, and engaging in activities that intimidate you, all while noting whether your worst-case fears hold any truth.

As I’ve discussed in my previous work, Dr. Hendriksen quotes Brandon Stanton, the creator of Humans of New York:

“If you want to be comfortable talking to strangers, the only way to do it is to approach strangers while you’re uncomfortable. You have to earn the comfort through being uncomfortable many, many times.”

Take a moment to reflect on that last line:

“You have to earn the comfort through being uncomfortable many, many times.”

Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts.

To effectively manage social anxiety, you need to learn to embrace discomfort repeatedly. This is essential for gaining the confidence that often, your anxiety is misguided.

Will this process be easy?

Definitely not.

However, I believe that enduring short-term discomfort is a worthwhile investment for long-term growth. I believe you are worth this effort. Do you?