Understanding the Burden of Unwanted Responsibilities

Many individuals I work with find themselves in a demanding phase of life, juggling various stressors. Their daily routines often revolve around jobs that provide for their families, parenting duties, and other obligations. If you feel overwhelmed by constantly putting others first, one coping mechanism you might explore is to stop engaging in activities you dislike that are not absolutely necessary.

Let’s consider a hypothetical case study of "Jane," a common example among my clients.

Jane rises at 5 AM to exercise before her young children wake up. Although she despises the workout video she follows, she chooses it over attending a barre class, which she actually enjoys, to maximize her time with her kids. She prepares breakfast—a task she dreads—and packs their lunches, which she also finds unappealing. After dropping her children off at before care, a chore she dislikes because she yearns to spend more time with them, she heads to a job that is merely satisfactory. Even during lunch, which she used to enjoy in the company of others, she works through the meal to leave early for errands like grocery shopping before her husband picks up the kids. They share dinner, but Jane feels stressed as the children often become rowdy. After their bath—a part of the routine she enjoys—she takes on the bedtime duties alone, believing it's her responsibility as a mother. Although she finds some solace in watching TV on her phone before bed, her overall routine leaves her feeling trapped.

Jane is caught in a relentless cycle of discontent, hindered by guilt and fear of change. If she were my client, we would delve into her family background, likely revealing that she models her behavior after a parent who over-functioned and never learned to seek help. Jane may also experience underlying depression, stemming from her feelings of being stuck, which drain the energy she needs to contemplate meaningful life changes.

Identifying Areas for Change

What might Jane consider altering in her routine? Firstly, she could stop the exercise regimen she detests and communicate to her husband that she wants to attend barre class a few times a week instead. This change would allow her to avoid preparing breakfast, which she also finds burdensome. Additionally, she could actively search for remote work opportunities or other roles that bring her more satisfaction. Utilizing grocery delivery services and automating errands could save her precious time as well. Furthermore, sharing bedtime responsibilities with her husband could alleviate the pressure she places on herself.

If you see yourself in Jane’s situation and find reasons why these changes wouldn’t work—perhaps thinking, “Her husband would mess up bedtime” or “He wouldn’t prepare breakfast correctly, so I can't ask him”—it’s essential to reflect on whether you grew up in a negative household that instilled feelings of entrapment in routines you dislike. Growing up with parents who exhibited anxiety and rigidity often makes it difficult to break free from a similar mindset.

Challenging Deep-Seated Beliefs

Jane’s first step should be to challenge her ingrained belief that “a good mother” is someone who endures a life filled with struggles and exhaustion. She needs to reevaluate her perceptions of gender roles and consider whether her over-functioning stems from a fear that her husband won’t meet her standards, without recognizing that a happier, more content mother is ultimately better for her children than a father who doesn’t fulfill every task “perfectly.” If she has asked her husband for more help and he has declined, has she been direct about her needs, or does she communicate in a vague manner, assuming no change will occur?

There are countless ways to reassess your life and eliminate activities you detest. Life is already challenging enough without adding unnecessary burdens and denying others the opportunity to assist you. If you grew up witnessing a parent who took on a martyr role, it may be difficult to understand this dynamic, which is where therapy can be transformative. If many of your unpleasant tasks revolve around parenting, consider exploring different perspectives on what it means to “need” to parent. Here are some strategies to stop overparenting, which is detrimental to both you and your children.

If this message resonates with you, I encourage you to jot down a typical day in your life as I did for "Jane." Reflect on what advice I might offer and discuss with your partner how they could support you. Generate both significant (like a career change) and minor (like adjusting the bedtime routine) ideas. No one should feel as though their life consists solely of dreaded and unfulfilling activities; your children also don’t deserve to witness a parent who resents adulthood. Such an experience may lead them to believe that growing up means sacrificing their own happiness entirely. Take time to reflect on this post if it resonates with you and consider how your childhood experiences shape your current beliefs.

Resources for Support

For therapy, visit Dr. Whiten's practice or explore other clinicians at Best Life Behavioral Health. For coaching with Dr. Whiten, check out her offerings. You can also order Dr. Whiten’s books, such as 52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage and How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family, and tune in to The Dr. Psych Mom Show on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or your preferred platform. For further discussion on these topics, join The Dr. Psych Mom secret Facebook group.

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