Embracing Humility: The Path to Liberation from Narcissism
Written on
Chapter 1: Understanding Narcissism
In grappling with my own narcissistic tendencies, I approached my last therapist with a confession: I feared I might be a narcissist. However, she quickly brushed off my concerns with a vague reassurance. Perhaps she didn’t recognize the signs because I didn’t fit the typical mold of an overt narcissist, flaunting wealth and status. My respectful demeanor and reflective nature might have obscured the deeper issues I struggled with.
There were many things I wished to share. I wanted to explain how my high expectations stemmed from an underlying lack of self-worth. My reality often feels fraught with peril rather than possibility, and my emotions seem more like concepts to be rationalized than genuine feelings to be experienced. My passion flares intensely in moments of desperation but fades away when the stakes are lower. I can be the ideal partner, employee, or student when my survival is at risk, yet I vanish when it’s not.
If I gave in to my narcissistic voice, I might claim superiority over her and harbor resentment toward a world that fails to acknowledge my intelligence. I might seek a connection with the divine, but only to revel in self-importance. I might aspire to write a transformative book, but only if my name graced the cover. My self-loathing arises from failing to meet my own inflated standards and recognizing the falsehood of those very ideals.
I am both the subject of study and the researcher, the remedy and the ailment—leading to some intriguing internal dialogues.
An Inner Conflict
"The best knower of the human soul is the contrite sinner."
—Alfred Adler
Perhaps I’m not entirely lost; this internal dialogue suggests I’m making progress. When feelings of hatred arise, I can discern their baselessness. In moments of perceived danger, I am learning to identify that there’s little to fear. When embarrassment creeps in, I’m beginning to forgive myself and even find humor in the situation. My exploration of human nature through reading grants me the space I need to breathe, shifting my focus from self-aggrandizement to genuine curiosity about both myself and the world.
"If we sacrifice ourselves for a cause which we, and most healthy people, can realistically find constructive in terms of its value to human beings, that is certainly tragic, but also meaningful. If we fritter away our lives enslaved to the phantom of glory for reasons unknown to ourselves, that assumes the relieved proportion of tragic waste — the more so, the more valuable these lives potentially are."
—Karen Horney
A significant moment of reflection occurred recently while dancing with friends.
Chapter 2: Dancing with Anxiety
"I am not bothered if humankind does not understand me; I am bothered if I do not understand humankind."
—Confucius
As the bass reverberated through my body, I observed my friends on the dance floor. Their movements flowed effortlessly, like leaves dancing in the breeze—spontaneous and without ulterior motives. They were simply enjoying themselves, free from judgment, with smiles I hadn’t seen before.
Despite their encouragement to join in, I remained seated, finding humor in the symbolism of my hesitation: my inability to engage spontaneously—not just in movement, but in feelings, thoughts, and actions. My contributions to conversations often stem from a desire to be right, not from genuine engagement. My pride is contingent upon external validation rather than internal affirmation. My love for others is often calculated, driven by personal needs rather than authentic emotion.
My narcissistic inclinations seem to infiltrate every aspect of my existence, always redirecting attention back to myself. I realized I would only dance if I felt I could do it better or differently; otherwise, it felt pointless to my anxious mind. So, I remained still.
The truth is, I am weary. I am exhausted from battling the voices in my head and constantly second-guessing my words and actions based on how others might perceive them. I’m tired of overthinking and feeling anxious about my missed opportunities to connect. I long for authenticity instead of the empty façades I maintain.
The absurdity of pride is striking: we often fear failure while simultaneously convincing ourselves of our superiority over others. The tragedy of humanity lies not only in our frequent misjudgments but also in our compulsion to cling to our delusions of correctness.
So, I did nothing. I embraced the notion of being nothing as I sat at the center of the dance floor. This led me to ponder: is humility not the ultimate freedom? It allows us to explore the world around us without imposing our neurotic tendencies upon it.
An old Buddhist saying floated to the surface of my mind:
"Without using your mouth,
without using your mind,
without using your body,
express yourself!"
Challenge accepted.
The first video titled "False Humbleness | Early Red Flag of Covert Narcissists" delves into the subtle signs of narcissistic behavior, illustrating the complexities of humility and self-awareness.
The second video, "Jeanine Canty: Relational Currency, Walking Between Worlds & Ecological Narcissism," explores the intricate dynamics of relationships and the impact of narcissism on our connections with others.
T.F. | timfongliterature IG
Explore more of my work on my homepage, or subscribe via email for updates on new articles exploring classic psychological concepts!