Chapter 1: Understanding Happiness in Midlife

In the first installment of this series, I introduced the research conducted by Robert Waldinger, MD, and Marc Schultz, PhD, who are the co-directors of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, a comprehensive, 86-year-long investigation into human happiness. Their book, The Good Life: Lessons From the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness, provides valuable insights on how to cultivate a fulfilling life, nurture deep love, and uncover your passion and purpose during midlife and beyond. Additionally, I highlighted Chip Conley’s work, founder of the Modern Elder Academy, and the insights from his new book, Learning to Love Midlife: 12 Reasons Why Life Gets Better With Age.

As we delve into Part 2, I will explore three crucial domains where this wisdom should be applied: our romantic relationships, our professional lives, and our inner selves. David Whyte, in his book The Three Marriages: Reimagining Work, Self and Relationship, articulates that:

Human beings are creatures of belonging, though they may come to that sense of belonging only through long periods of exile and loneliness.

Many individuals have felt the exile and loneliness that Whyte describes. His portrayal of the three marriages—work, self, and relationships—profoundly resonates with me.

This notion of belonging, as Whyte indicates, manifests in three primary dynamics: first, through our connections with others and living beings (especially through intimate relationships or marriages); second, through our professional endeavors, which should be driven by a purpose greater than our immediate needs; and third, the often overlooked internal relationship with oneself.

These represent the three marriages of Work, Self, and Others. Like many men, I have struggled to find a balance among these three aspects. My professional life has seen more success, often fueled by my writings about my personal experiences and challenges in love and self-discovery. My first book, Inside Out: Becoming My Own Man, chronicles my journey to understand my identity. In contrast, Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places explores my confusion between lasting love and the pitfalls of love addiction. The subsequent fifteen books and numerous articles continue my quest to integrate these three aspects of life, a lifelong endeavor indeed.

A crucial takeaway is that success in one marriage does not guarantee success in the others. For many years, I believed that by excelling in my career as a psychotherapist and achieving financial success, I could attract my ideal partner and attain eternal happiness. However, this was not the case, as revealed in my introductory video, Confessions of a Twice-Divorced Marriage Counselor, available on my website.

Whyte emphasizes a significant truth: each of these marriages is fundamentally non-negotiable. Instead of trying to balance one against another—like sacrificing time from work to focus on a partner—we should see each marriage as informing and strengthening the others.

A metaphor from a Native American basket weaver illustrates this beautifully. She likened our lives to a basket woven from various strands, each integral to its strength. Each of the three marriages can be seen as a strand, equally vital for creating a vibrant life basket.

She explained that we cannot weave multiple strands simultaneously; we must focus on the one that needs our attention while remaining aware of the others. Every strand requires attention, just not all at once. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by juggling our responsibilities, we can dedicate our full focus to work when engaged in it, then shift our attention to marriage, and later to self-care. This imagery has enabled me to embrace the rhythm of life more fluidly.

Another insight from Whyte is the necessity of spending quality time alone, ideally in nature, to reconnect with our inner selves. Earlier in life, I was preoccupied with pursuing romantic interests and professional success to prove my worth. This drive often stemmed from the fear of being invisible.

After discussing the significance of meaningful work and finding a partner, Whyte addresses the third marriage: the need for solitude. He notes that:

"The Three Marriages" explores that other equally strange human need, to be left completely and utterly alone...

Only a poet like Whyte could articulate my struggles with love and work addiction. Like many men, I had to endure the loss of a marriage or two and face job dismissals before taking time to rediscover my inner self. My journey of self-discovery began during a trip to Alaska at thirty-six, following my first divorce, and continued with another trip at fifty-six with my men's group.

I realized that stepping away from work and relationships was essential to confront the parts of myself I had long avoided, including healing from my father's traumatic experience when he attempted suicide when I was just five years old. Although he survived, our lives were forever changed.

I came to recognize that my ambition for professional success and finding the ideal partner was partially rooted in unresolved childhood trauma. The Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) Studies highlight how early life events can significantly impact adult well-being. Examples of ACEs include:

• Experiencing violence, abuse, or neglect.
• Living with someone who has substance abuse or mental health issues.
• Witnessing violence in one’s environment.
• Having an emotionally or physically absent parent.

One particularly damaging ACE is growing up with an emotionally absent father. Psychologist James Hollis notes:

A father may be physically present, but absent in spirit.

Roland Warren, former President of the National Fatherhood Initiative, adds:

Kids have a hole in their soul in the shape of their dad.

This sentiment certainly resonates with me; the absence left a lasting impact on my relationships and self-perception.

While I achieved significant external success, it often felt more like an addiction than a source of freedom. My mantra was "too much is never enough," as I constantly felt the need to prove myself. Healing the father wound was crucial for integrating my three marriages—work, love, and self.

Many individuals with childhood trauma believe their lives will always be limited and that true happiness is unattainable. Fortunately, findings from the Harvard Study and other long-term research indicate that healing is possible, regardless of past difficulties. Acknowledging our wounds and discussing our experiences can facilitate healing rather than suppressing them.

In The Good Life, Drs. Waldinger and Schulz conclude that:

"As adults, the Harvard Study participants who were able to acknowledge challenges and talk about them openly seemed to have a similar ability to elicit support from others."

Too often, men conceal their wounds to appear strong, fearing vulnerability. Yet, I have discovered that our vulnerability is, in fact, our greatest strength. My wife, Carlin, often tells me that her admiration for me stems from my willingness to be vulnerable. Her love has greatly contributed to my healing process, and she believes our forty-four-year marriage thrives because of my participation in a men's group for the past forty-five years.

Among the most significant findings from the Harvard Studies is that, despite past wounds, two crucial elements lead men to find genuine happiness: "meeting a caring friend and marrying an accepting spouse." Investing time and effort into our friendships and intimate relationships is paramount, as nothing is more vital.

The first video, "THIS is Why Men Have a MIDLIFE CRISIS | Here's Where it Starts," delves into the reasons behind midlife crises, offering insights into emotional and psychological challenges men face during this pivotal stage.

The second video, "The Midlife Male Blueprint | Greg Scheinman," discusses strategies for navigating midlife transitions and discovering renewed purpose and passion.

Chapter 2: Embracing Change and Finding Fulfillment

Understanding and embracing change is essential for personal growth and fulfillment in midlife.