Chapter 1: The Nature of Defensiveness

Throughout my life, I've often found myself embroiled in arguments with those who held different views, only to later feel embarrassed by my defensiveness. In those moments, I allowed their words to provoke me, giving them the very reaction they sought. Instead of genuinely considering their viewpoint, I became so wrapped up in my own emotions that I repeated arguments that had already begun to lose their significance.

I had a pivotal conversation with my father that shifted my perspective on how I express my opinions and engage with others. It wasn't a heated exchange; we were simply discussing differing views on a political issue—a regular occurrence during our family gatherings. My dad, with his calm demeanor, has always been someone I look up to and strive to emulate. In this dialogue, there was no shouting, no anger, and no defensiveness. I felt acknowledged, and in turn, I respected his listening.

Often, my defensiveness stemmed from feeling unheard, and honestly, I probably wasn't listening either. An argument should be an exchange of differing views, as the very definition implies. Without active listening, an argument devolves into mere empty dialogue—an unproductive use of energy.

During our discussion, I expressed my thoughts on what my dad considered unreasonable behaviors from a particular group. He paused, reflecting, and then admitted, "You know what? I hadn't thought of it that way." While he maintained his beliefs, we discovered common ground. This experience taught me that arguments don't require a clear winner; both sides can hold valid points, albeit from different perspectives.

Reflecting on that moment, I recognized that we were both partially correct, each viewing the situation through our own lens, and failing to consider certain aspects. The appreciation I have for my parents is profound, but that conversation deepened my respect for my dad. I recognized another admirable quality in him that I wished to adopt.

Professional debaters excel when they remain composed. They learn not to take matters personally and prepare by gathering data and facts to present. A debate loses its value if participants disregard what the other says; the most effective debates occur when one can relate to the other's argument and articulate why their stance is more compelling. The moment a debater reacts with anger, it's clear their opponent has gained the upper hand.

This realization helped me understand that defensiveness often arises from insecurity regarding one’s expressed viewpoint. Nowadays, when I feel myself becoming defensive, I pause and reflect: Why am I feeling this way? Is there merit in their argument that I haven’t recognized?

Pride can be a significant barrier for all of us. It’s challenging to admit when we are wrong or acknowledge that the other person has made a valid point. Yet, I believe there’s greater pride in being able to empathize with someone else’s perspective.

Going forward, I aim to embody my father's maturity by extending the same respect to others that he showed me. It is possible to honor differing beliefs without necessarily changing our own.

The Real Reason People Get Defensive - YouTube

This video explores the underlying reasons behind defensiveness and how it impacts our interactions.

Chapter 2: The Importance of Perspective

Why We Get Defensive, And What To Do About It - YouTube

This video discusses the psychology of defensiveness and practical steps to manage it effectively.