Chapter 1: The Quest for My First Memory

In my attempt to recall my earliest memory, I found myself digging deeper than ever before. I aimed to be truthful in my reflection while steering clear of negativity, cynicism, or placing blame on others due to my unresolved issues.

Was it from second grade? Kindergarten? Or perhaps even earlier?

As I navigated through the foggy landscape of my recollections, what came into focus wasn’t a specific event but rather a profound emotion. This realization was both unexpected and revealing as I examined it from various perspectives.

My parents enrolled me in an outstanding preschool program. Our daily routine included half the day focused on preparing for elementary school, which featured bilingual education, while the other half was spent in the gym practicing balance, tumbling, and twirling.

I recall feeling a strong urge to work hard and excel, yet there was also an underlying pressure to be the best. Could this be the inception of my crippling perfectionism? Back then, I was a committed perfectionist and a people pleaser. Ironically, I have come to dislike competition; it triggers physical symptoms like dry mouth, shaking hands, racing heart, and an overwhelming sensation of instability, akin to a precarious tower of cards. Who would willingly endure such discomfort unless absolutely necessary?

Moreover, I sensed, or perhaps instinctively knew, that I stood out. Being tall and heavy for my age made me hard to overlook. While I didn’t mind being noticed, I yearned for recognition for the right reasons—because I was clever and engaging, not merely for being a loud attention seeker in desperate need of validation from others.

Although gymnastics didn’t become my forte, perfectionism certainly did. Now I understand that I empower my mental struggles when I allow perfection to morph into procrastination. It’s crucial to realize that nothing needs to be flawless; it simply needs to be completed, and the experience should also bring some joy. I often wish someone had whispered this wisdom to me at various points in my life.

I feel liberated admitting that I have sought attention, and that much of my drive to succeed stemmed from a desire for external validation, as I struggle to affirm my worth to myself. While it may seem unappealing, it’s far less damaging than repeatedly reinventing my life every few years, surrounded by new people who initially see only the polished exterior.

However, the shadows of my past still linger beneath the surface.

Reflecting on my preschool self evokes feelings rather than distinct memories, and recognizing her essence aids in understanding—and perhaps one day accepting or even loving—the individual she has evolved into.

My earliest memory revolves around the desire for perfection and the longing to be someone else.

Chapter 2: The Power of Acknowledgment

This exploration emphasizes the significance of self-awareness and understanding our roots as we navigate the journey of self-discovery.